random tangent : college humor

Sunday, October 23, 2005


Well there haven't been many new posts but I will work on writing some more when I finally have the time... and by time I of course mean when I damn well feel like it. Some important news though, I have been dating a woman named Megan for about 8 months now and will soon win the award of longest boyfriend ever! She is an amazing person and is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

spring break

Let’s crunch some numbers here, folks. Eighty something days left till graduation, and only a mere twelve days left till spring break. The Joyous thoughts flowing through my mind as I write this can’t be expressed by simple words. The thought is finally starting to sink in that this is my last spring break as a college student. I mean I’m only a precarious step away from the having to do the whole wife, wagon full of kids, white picket fence thing. Of course I still have to get a girlfriend but details, details. As this is my last spring break I want to make sure I go out in a blaze of drunken glory befitting a party animal of my stature. Now as I reminisce over my past failures and triumphs towards this grand endeavor, I thought surly I could pass on some advice to the next generation.

First off, it is important to understand that there are several ways to approach spring break and one person’s paradise is another’s “Weekend at Bernie’s”. So if you have no plans yet pay close attention to what I have to say. Note if you have no plans as of yet, you are totally fucked, but please feel free to keep reading. Now on to our first option; plan A. Plan A consists of taking the easy way out and going home. Please do not do follow this plan. I know it’s a tempting option to consider when all you got in your wallet is a novelty trillion dollar bill that nobody will accept no matter how hard you try, but trust me it sucks. You will have plenty of time to sit around in your underwear while your over protective Jewish mother asks you if you are hungry every hour on the hour, while still managing to nag you over and over again to get off the couch and get a job. Sorry visions of my painful post graduate future haunt my dreams.

Plan B is a variant on plan A and in my opinion it’s a much better idea for those short on funds. Go on a road trip and visit some of your old high school friends. Rochester’s spring break does not match up with any other school I’m aware of so you should not have too much trouble finding some friends to mooche off of. As you no doubt plan on living off your friend’s meal plan, sleeping in his bed and possible hooking up with his friends, a gift is generally in order. I suggest a fine bottle of booze as you can give it as a gift, but with the full intention of having the lion’s share of it. Aren’t you glad that you have access to my mind and the devious knowledge it contains?

Plan C is the most common spring break plan and it applies to the more party oriented student body. This plan is very broad as it includes destinations such as Florida, Mexico, tropical cruises, and insert your generic Caribbean island. I want to tackle the cruise option first. I felt obliged to include this, but I do so with great hesitancy. If the insufferable Disney themed, bloated white people, all you can eat seafood buffet, carnival of crap advertisement campaign isn’t enough to turn you off from this option, let me hit you with some fresh knowledge. In signing up for a cruise, you are banking your entire trip on the people on that boat. Think about that one.

As for the whole Florida, Mexican, Caribbean trips, I am going to lump them all together. To the nay-sayers out there, these trips can be done very economically and are well worth it. I speak from person experience on this account that my best breaks were spent at such places. While I pretty much guarantee you a good time, this statement is made with an important notice. Guys you might not hookup with someone. There is a lot of competition out there and even if you think you’re the shit, you are just a small guppy in a vast ocean when it comes to the spring break crowd, and every guy out there is thinking the same thing as you. So don’t stress too much about it, have a blast with your friends and just remember what you do in the privacy of your hotel room is your own business.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

love day

Well Valentine’s Day is fast upon us and thus, I am obliged to discuss it, though not at length because that would be giving it undo importance that it isn’t deserving of. Everyone celebrates this hallmark of a holiday but few know its true origins. Thus, I turned to the one bastion of truth that has always been there for me and saved me at the midnight hour from many an overdue term paper. I speak of course of the History Channel. According to a documentary I watched in my underwear, the legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. Some crazy Emperor came to power and insisted that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families. Apparently we single men have nothing to live for and might as well be eaten by lions or die in some other horribly Roman way. Those guys really could have benefited from a healthy dose of reality TV. So, the Emperor outlawed marriage for young men to increase the number of his potential soldiers. Now if someone told all the single men today that marriage was illegal, they would probably run naked singing in the streets. In the olden days, marriage was far more important. We must remember that back then women didn’t put out till marriage, so I’m sure this law did not go over well. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied the Emperor and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. For his noble efforts as a saintly matchmaker, our young Valentine is put to death. Appropriately, today we celebrate this noble sacrifice by eating crappy heart candies inscribed with beautiful messages such as, “Email Me,” “Text Me,” and “Fax Me.” Oh how romantic.

Now don’t be quick to judge me, I don’t dislike Valentine’s Day because I’m single. Being single on Valentine’s Day should not be depressing because it is just a day like any other and you shouldn’t be depressed for being single on a normal basis. Honestly, I love being single, nothing beats the thrill of meeting someone new or making that deep connection with the homely looking lady at the end of the bar… There are some obvious advantages to being in a relationship too, like having someone to go home with you when your shitty drunk, someone that knows all you dirty disgusting secrets and still will sleep with you. Of course, one of my idols Chris Rock best described the conundrum of love succinctly as “married and bored, single and lonely”. It is one of those adages like “the grass is always greener,” which is deep shit I tell you. Anyways, Valentine’s Day blows because if you do happen to be dating someone you are forced by society to do something special on this of all arbitrary of days. Call me an old fashioned cynical romantic but if you want to show your love for your woman do something special for her just because you feel like it. Girls love spontaneity and sincerity far more than they care about a box of chocolates and some silly heart candy. Though to be sure they do have an unhealthy obsession with the dark coco bean goddess. Now if you will excuse me I have to order a dozen roses to be surreptitiously delivered to myself in class. What, you don’t expect me to look like a loser do you?

party rules

As a senior at this fine university, I have learned a great many things during my tenure. I am now well versed in a wide variety of subjects and can bullshit with the best of them. In short, now that I’m nearing the end of my student life, I feel satisfied knowing I have received the full potential of my 30,000 + tuition a year. Still, I feel compelled to pass on my knowledge to the younger generation. Thus, I will now share my most sacred gem of knowledge, the all important rules to having a good party.

Party rules can be broken up into two separate yet equal important sections, between host and guest. Let us begin with the rules for a good host. Rule number one. I will call this critical mass after the required mass needed to achieve a nuclear reaction. You can thank my chemical engineering for that wonderful analogy. All your friends or co-hosts must stay the main room and not branch off to their own rooms until a critical mass of say 1/3 of the expected guest have arrived. If hosts don’t follow this simply rule, new arrivals will think you party is dull and quickly vacate the premises. Suite parties have the natural tendency to migrate towards the hallway. You must resist this urge and stay in the main room so your party appears to be hopping. Another important responsibility of a good host is the booze. First off, if you have the gall to throw a BYOB party, you don’t deserve any guest at all. Really, people don’t be so cheap. Hosts should also provide lots of booze and have a variety for the ladies, i.e. not just beer. Lastly, music can make or break a party. Play-lists must include hip-hop for the beginning of party but should also have some songs everyone can drunkenly sing along to. “Living on a prayer”, “Don’t stop believing” or any 80’s ballad will suffice. These songs must not, I repeat must not, come on too early in the night or you will lose guests and appear foolish in the eyes of others.

Now on to the guest rules. When you get an invitation to a party, you should keep in mind who you intend to bring with you. Bring an even ratio with you. Nothing looks worse than rolling up with five dudes and no ladies. It is also important to pre-game a bit; booze will be provided but don’t take advantage of your friends’ wallets. Another alcoholic matter to consider is that generally at a party there will be multiple grades of beer. If not offered directly or can consider yourself a close friend of the host, you should take one for the team and drink the Genny Light. And for that matter, while we are discussing alcoholic consumption, don’t hookup in other people’s rooms without prier consent, nothing is worse than having an unpleasant black light discovery the next day.

For this next rule I would like to give a shout out the guy that booted all over my futon. Under no circumstances is puking a viable option. If you need to puke, get the hell out of there because you will never live down that shame. The animosity you will generate will haunt you in your dreams. Finally, don’t poop at the party, because you never know what could happen. My diehard fans will know what I mean by that one.

-Party planner extraordinaire

-Van Wilder